


Cynical World

by AndyAO3



Series: Teddy Shepard Is A Little Shit [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Feels, Fluff, Late-Arrival Spoilers, M/M, Nerding out over things, drabblefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 19:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3703011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyAO3/pseuds/AndyAO3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Commander wasn't what Kaidan had been expecting. Then again, he was rarely what anyone was expecting.</p><p>A bunch of ME1 drabbles that I've put together into a relatively cohesive whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. nervous

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to post these for a while, but never quite got around to it. They're gonna end up posted as a great big clump since all of them have already been proofed and beta'd and had a chance to get looked at on Tumblr. I doubt I'll make more than these original 6.

The initial thought that Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko had when he got that first look at Commander Theodore Shepard, hero of the Skyllian Blitz and accomplished N7 operative, went pretty much like everyone's first thoughts upon meeting him.

_Wait, **that's** Shepard?_

Appearances weren't everything. Kaidan knew that, and he knew it very, _very_ well. Yet nothing about Theodore Shepard really said anything along the lines of "decorated war hero". If anything, his bearing wasn't very military at all, and if it weren't for the uniform, Kaidan would've thought that Anderson had brought a civilian on board, probably a scientist or medic.

It wasn't just that Shepard was small. Kaidan had met people who were much smaller that did just fine. Nor was it that he was pale as a ghost, with eyes like cold steel; live in space long enough without any exposure to unfiltered planetside solar radiation, and that kind of thing will happen. Even the white roots barely peeking through his messy jet black hair - making his poor dye-job that much more obvious, and just a little bit comical - weren't too unusual.

No, it was his arrogance. His stride. Confident and unfettered. Like he could and would do anything that people told him he shouldn't, or _couldn't_ , do. Like he'd seen what Hell itself was like, and nothing else impressed him or scared him anymore. Like authority figures were little more than speed bumps.

War heroes were supposed to be the kinds of people that rode around on parade floats waving at passers-by, and responded to their superiors with a nod and a salute. They were supposed to be warm and kind, going above and beyond the call of duty but always respectful. Give a war hero a reward, and he's supposed to turn it down and tell you he was just doing his job, sir, like a good soldier would.

Theodore Shepard strode onto the _Normandy_ 's bridge, looked around, pressed his lips together into a thin line, and wandered off into the CIC. Then he promptly got into an argument with Pressly. Followed shortly thereafter by an argument with Jenkins. And when he got to the briefing room, his snarling about the upcoming mission could be heard all the way from the bridge.

Joker and Kaidan, both on the bridge at the time, exchanged looks. Kaidan nodded in the general direction of the briefing room, and Joker just shrugged in response, shaking his head. Apparently the pilot didn't know jack about the new guy either.

First a Turian Spectre on board, and now this. Kaidan sure as hell hoped that Anderson knew what he was doing.

 


	2. through the gate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan realizes that Shepard is as big of a nerd as he is. It helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of Author Appeal here in the music I mention. I'm not going as obscure as I could be, because I don't want people to be so lost that the things I'm mentioning can't even be found on Youtube.
> 
> EDIT1: Stylistic edits wooooo

When Kaidan headed down to the medbay, hoping to quietly grab a few painkillers for what he could tell was going to be a nasty post-mission migraine without Chakwas noticing, he was _not_ expecting Commander Theodore Shepard to be down there. He was especially not expecting Shepard to be shirtless and sitting on one of the beds with his legs dangling over the edge, kicking his feet and looking bored while Chakwas sat in her chair nearby with her attention divided between her omni-tool and her laptop.

Kaidan blinked. Then blinked again as his mind caught up. Armor and fatigues did a hell of a lot to hide just how tiny the man really was, huh? How did he even make PT regs?

And anyway, what was Shepard doing down in the medical bay, of all people? He hadn't been injured, to Kaidan's knowledge. Didn't look injured either.

"Please pick your jaw up off the floor, Alenko," Shepard said, and Kaidan jerked to stand at attention.

"Uh, yes sir. Sorry sir."

One of those pale brows arched. "Are you implying there's something to be sorry for?"

"No sir. I mean." Well, shit. "I mean, uh. I meant no disrespect. Sir."

Kaidan had seen Shepard punch reporters and headbutt Krogan. And he'd only known the man a week; he had _no_ idea what to expect in terms of the Commander's temper.

So he was both confused and relieved when Shepard's deadpan look broke into a crooked grin, and especially so when Shepard started chuckling.

Once again, the Staff Lieutenant blinked, and then blinked a bit more. "Uh..." That was an odd reaction. Drugged, maybe? "...Sir?"

Shepard shook his head and waved it off. "You're fine, LT. Need to loosen up a little, but you're fine." Then, after giving Kaidan an appraising look, "--at ease, Lieutenant."

Kaidan nearly sagged with relief. "Sir," he acknowledged.

Chakwas didn't look up from what she was doing when she addressed Kaidan. "Have you come down to the medbay for a reason, Lieutenant?" she asked.

And there was the reason he didn't want to come down. Getting nagged wasn't exactly on his priority list; a hand went up to rub at his neck, massaging the skin near his amp port. "Acetaminophen," he admitted.

The doctor shot him a look that made him cringe.

Then, surprisingly, Shepard piped up. "Ah, shit. My bad, Doc. Loud clubs and encouragement of biotic singularity combo deals."

Kaidan wasn't sure what to say to that. Because, Shepard standing up for him? Taking responsibility for his slight overuse of his biotics? Really?

Chakwas levelled a stern frown at Shepard, who was unfazed. "You're in enough trouble as it is that you don't need to be inviting more for yourself, young man. You shouldn't have waited to come see me."

Shepard just shrugged. "Doc Chloe at the clinic did a scan and said I was okay."

"In the interests of doctor-patient confidentiality--" Chakwas threw another look at Kaidan as she spoke, "--I am limited to simply informing you that this 'Doc Chloe' of yours was incorrect."

Oh. Right. Invasion of privacy. "I could go?" Kaidan suggested.

It looked like Chakwas was about to encourage him to do so, but Shepard cut her off. "Ehh, Alenko's cool. He can stick around if he wants."

Uh, okay? "With all due respect, sir, you're..." not wearing a shirt? Why did that thought end up being the one that stuck in Kaidan's brain? Shirtlessness wasn't exactly something he was bothered by anymore; military life, plus alien customs, had helped to break him of that. "...Uh. I could just come back later."

"Your weak-ass objection is fucking noted," Shepard said with a wry smirk. "Now siddown and let Doc Chakwas get you some proper painkillers. I know for a fact that acetaminophen isn't gonna do much more than take the edge off."

Shepard was right, of course, although how he knew that - his tone said that he was speaking from experience - Kaidan didn't have a clue. He mumbled a slightly awkward "sir" in response with a little nod, and went to sit down on a bed across from Shepard and try not to fidget.

Chakwas sighed with exasperation, dismissed her omni-tool's interface, and stood. "I suppose that means you two gentlemen will have to excuse me for a moment while I get 'proper painkillers', as Shepard put it."

With that, she was gone from the room, leaving the ship's only two human biotics to uncomfortable silence.

Kaidan wasn't sure what the regs were for this particular situation. Or even if there were any.

Not that Shepard seemed to be one for regs. "Saw me get hit with an overload?" he asked, breaking the silence. Those eyes - which were like steel, or maybe the overcast skies of home, like cool grey clouds hanging overhead that seemed to settle gloomily over one's mood like a soggy comforter, with only those who were experienced with them able to tell whether they'd suddenly turn stormy and threatening - were on Kaidan, watching. Studying.

And it was a little creepy. Kaidan wouldn't describe that gaze as piercing, necessarily, but he certainly didn't feel like meeting it for too long. Something about Shepard always made him seem vaguely uncanny. So Kaidan simply nodded.

"Yeah. Okay then, so, about that. I've got cybernetics- implants, stints, some muscle weave." Shepard tapped the dead center of his chest, and Kaidan noticed surgical scars marring the skin in that area.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Shepard was talking about his heart.

Something must've shown in Kaidan's expression, because Shepard's own turned as cold and steely as his eyes. "Don't," he snapped. "I don't need a fucking lecture. Not from you, too."

Kaidan blinked, then frowned. "I wasn't gonna say anything, sir."

"You were thinking it," Shepard countered.

He wasn't wrong. Kaidan had been thinking. Mostly wondering how the hell Shepard had gotten in the Alliance, followed by the question of how Shepard hadn't gotten himself killed yet. But there was something else, something Kaidan suddenly understood.

Shepard had never treated him, or Joker, or even Tali, as something _different_. There had never been anything from the commander that sounded anything remotely like _so what, I get headaches too_. Or _just take a couple ibuprofen and walk it off, Lieutenant._

It had been more along the lines of _if you think you can handle this, Alenko, then I won't stop you_. They had never brought up Kaidan's migraines; he'd just assumed that Shepard had read about it in his file or something when the Commander had glanced back at him outside of Chora's Den.

(" _You good to go in, LT?_ ")

Shepard had phrased it and said it like an afterthought. Made it look casual. Ash had looked at him quizzically, but Kaidan had immediately known what he meant; the music outside the club had been thumping loud enough for Kaidan to feel it in his _teeth_. But there might've been hostiles in the club - the Wards weren't known for law-abiding citizenry. He wasn't about to let the ship's then-XO go in with just Ash for backup. Especially not when Shepard and Ash got along about as well as two wet cats in a sack.

"Hey. Ground control to Major Tom? Alenko!" Fingers snapping about four centimeters away from his face jerked him out of his own thoughts, startling him into sitting up straight.

"Yessir!" he replied automatically.

Shepard blinked, and then he let out a bark of laughter. "Hah! Damn, you're wound tight."

...Wait. "--Did you just reference classical Earth music, sir?"

From the Commander's grin, it seemed Kaidan was correct. "What, 'Earth below us, drifting, falling'?" Shepard quoted in a singsong voice. Surprisingly to Kaidan, he wasn't tone deaf (although that had Kaidan wondering why he thought Shepard would be tone deaf; maybe it was because of the nasally nature of his speaking voice).

But Kaidan couldn't help but notice that Shepard had said the lyrics to the wrong song. "I was thinking more 'this is ground control to Major Tom, you've really made the grade'--" Kaidan stopped himself abruptly, and ducked his head as he felt his face getting warm with embarassment. "I mean. Not that I'd know anything about that. Sir."

"Uh-huh." Shepard side-eyed him. "...Bowie or Hadfield?"

Damn it. Fine. He'd bite. "Bowie. Mad respect to Hadfield though."

"Good answer." The way Shepard grinned was infectious; it was hard for Kaidan to fight the urge to mirror it. He felt the corner of his mouth twitch in response. "Though, I gotta say. It's one of the few cases where a cover isn't leagues ahead of the Bowie original, y'know?"

"What, like with Heroes? A fluke. Bowie was one of the great pioneers when it came to power ballads. It's not his fault that Peter Gabriel's version was just that awesome."

Shepard clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Right song, wrong version. There's a symphonic metal cover."

"You're kidding."

"In _German_. I can't make this shit up, Alenko. It's called 'Helden'. Go poke the extranet if you're curious, but it'll take awhile to find it since it's kinda obscure."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Assume from here on out that you've always got it."

That hadn't been what he'd expected to hear. "...uh, okay. Well." Kaidan cleared his throat before continuing. "I _have_ heard that version, actually. Wouldn't call it symphonic metal, and frankly, I think the Wallflowers' version is better. With respect, sir."

Shepard raised a brow again. "That's a high insult to two legendary metal bands there, LT."

"Oh, I like Apocalyptica, if that's what you're saying. I mean, four cellos playing metal? Softens it up enough that it's not a headache-inducing wall of sound, for me. But the Worlds Collide album is just a mess in general, y'know?"

That response surprised the Commander, enough to throw him off. Even if only for a moment. "...Well, true, I guess. But it's still Apocalyptica plus Rammstein plus Bowie."

"Take out the Rammstein - get rid of that damn growl, it doesn't fit - and turn it into older-style Apocalyptica without all the overproduction, like they were at the tail end of the twentieth century, playing Bowie straight. Then maybe."

"Once Saren's either in jail or got a bullet between his eyes, remind me to introduce you to some good metal."

"I know some good metal. _Some_. That isn't it."

"You're just being weird because it's in German."

"Say that to me again and I'll start up 99 Luftballons."

"Pppssshh. 'You and I, in a little toy shop'--"

"--'dann singe ich ein lied für dich'--"

"--'we set them free at the break of dawn'--"

"--'auf ihrem weg zun horizont'."

"That's just showing off, Alenko."

"I could keep going if you'd like, sir."

"Nah. I think I've actually been out-geeked. Out-sung, too. Probably best to bow out before I lose this little musical dick-waving contest even worse and embarass myself further."

"For the record, Commander, you weren't doing too badly."

Shepard grinned in a way that could best be described as cheeky. "Hey, I can't help it that you have more experience because you're old."

Kaidan laughed, and it was only after Chakwas came back and said she could hear them carrying on from the other room, as she handed them both their respective medications, that he realized he hadn't been that relaxed with someone in a long time.

 


	3. a bit of happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Musical drinking games are best drinking games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys you're not supposed to steal Chakwas' Serrice Ice Brandy. Why did you do that. Guys you are a bunch of hooligans.
> 
> EDIT1: Stylistic corrections again. Making it a smoother read.

Finding out that both he and the Commander were music nerds was one thing. Starting a sort of disabled music nerd circle with him and Joker was another entirely.

Joker was more of a rock kinda guy. Kaidan's tastes were a little softer and more melodic. Shepard's were harder than both of them, but that didn't mean he disliked either of their styles. In fact, all three of them could sort of admit the merits of the others' chosen genres.

That was how the trio ended up in the mess, along with Ash - who liked classical, but also liked retro pop and counted it as a guilty pleasure - as they discussed music over a bottle of something that Shepard had nicked from Chakwas.

Or, well, quizzed each other.

"Alright, I got this," Ash said, holding up a hand. Like Kaidan, she had been drinking the entire time, over and above what their little game called for. Unlike Kaidan, she did not have the alcohol tolerance of an Elcor. "Ahem. 'Do you hear the people sing, lost in the valley of the night'."

They were quoting lyrics. Not singing them, just quoting; it had been decided that Kaidan was the only one who was actually qualified to do justice to things that were sung (a sentiment he disagreed with, but he'd been outvoted). The game went as follows:

  1. Guess wrong, take a shot.
  2. First to guess right gets to pick the next lyric.
  3. Last one still able to stand wins.



Joker scoffed. "Pffuh, that's not even a challenge. Les Mis, 'Do You Hear The People Sing'."

"Damn it." Ash sat back in her chair and pouted at the pilot, who just grinned and shrugged.

"Hey, I don't think anyone who's taken any kind of band class in high school hasn't seen Les Mis," Joker said defensively. "You kinda shot yourself in the foot there, Ash."

"Uh, hello? It's a musical? I was counting on guys not usually _doing_ musicals." Ash folded her arms. "Just pick a damn song already."

"Uuhhh... oh, jeez." Joker's face screwed up in concentration, and he briefly took off his hat to scratch his head before putting it back on again. "Shit, um."

"Not Queen." Shepard's flat statement made Kaidan snort a sipful of brandy, which earned him a wry look from the Commander. "You're supposed to drink that, not inhale it."

 _Ow_. "With respect, sir," and there Kaidan paused to snuffle a little, rubbing at his nose as if it'd make it burn a little less, "--you're an asshole."

Shepard shrugged, smirking to himself. Ash muttered something about a waste of good booze.

"Anyway," Joker said, shutting them up effectively. "I got this. 'Relax, said the night-man, we are programmed to deceive'."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "It's 'receive'," he corrected. "Eagles, 'Hotel California'."

Joker was the one to pout, then. "Aw, man."

"And you call yourself a classic rock fan," Ash said, shaking her head in mock pity.

Kaidan schooled his expression to try and look authoritative instead of amused. "I, for one, think that getting a lyric wrong should mean having to take a shot, too. All in favor?"

"Aye!" Ash and Shepard said in unison, both of them raising their hands. Then they shared a grin and fist-bumped; Kaidan figured that was the most friendly they'd been with each other since before Ash had nearly gotten decked for comparing aliens to animals.

Making a show of counting the hands that were up, Kaidan nodded sagely. "The ayes have it. Flight Lieutenant Moreau, if you would be so kind as to give me your glass."

"Assholes," grumbled Joker, sliding his glass over so Kaidan could pour him a shot. Which he then drank with a sigh, followed by a little shudder. Yeah. Strong stuff. And Kaidan had gotten it up his nose.

"My turn then?" Shepard asked, looking around. Everyone else nodded. "Okay. Want me to go easy on you guys or no?"

"Lay it on us, Skipper," Ash declared, putting her feet up on the table and leaning her chair back. Kaidan gestured towards her with his glass and nodded his agreement, and Joker shrugged.

"'At home, drawing pictures of mountaintops, with him on top. Lemon yellow suns. Arms raised in a V, and the dead lay in pools of maroon below'." the Commander said. He was admittedly good at this game, since he would say the lyrics in a completely flat tone with no indication of the original cadence of the song he was thinking of.

That didn't make it less obvious to Kaidan though. "Pearl Jam, 'Jeremy'."

"Yeah, I figured you'd know that one," Shepard admitted.

"Eww. Shepard, really? Pearl Jam?" Joker was incredulous. "That shit isn't rock. It never was."

Insulting a man's music was a dangerous thing to do, but Shepard was fairly chill about it. "If you say Nirvana is real rock, I'm gonna throw your hat in the trash compactor."

Ash guffawed and rocked back a little in her chair, precariously close to tipping it but never quite reaching that point. "Hah! I'd pay to see that."

"Grunge was only ever just a bunch of dirty kids in flannel plunking away randomly at their guitars," the pilot said, sticking stubbornly to his guns. "That's not music, man."

"And 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' somehow resembles music more?" Shepard retorted.

Joker narrowed his eyes.

Kaidan whistled. "Low blow, Commander."

"It's your turn, Alenko."

True. It was. "Easy or hard?" he asked, because he had to.

"Hard! C'mon, give us a challenge, here!" Ash cheered.

"--keep it to one language, please," Shepard answered him, ignoring her.

Difficult, but something everyone understood. He could do that. "'Dressed up like a car crash - wheels are turning but you're upside-down'."

The other three blinked, then exchanged confused looks. "Uhhh," Shepard started to say. "...Shit. I dunno. I think... Maybe. U2?"

The corner of Kaidan's lips quirked upwards. "And what do you think the title is?"

"Is... Is it off Rattle and Hum?"

"Oooohhh." Kaidan hissed in a breath and made a little mock-wince. "Sorry, Commander. No dice."

A bubbly, snorting giggle came from Ash (and it was pretty damn adorable, Kaidan had to say-- wait, was he thinking _Ash_ was adorable? He had to be buzzed by that point). "Busteeeed~" she crowed.

Shepard sighed, facepalmed, and slid his glass to Kaidan, who dutifully filled it. "Guess you get another go, then." He paused halfway to taking his shot. "So what's the song?"

"You were right about it being U2. The song's called 'Stay', with the alternate title of 'Faraway, So Close'." Kaidan smiled apologetically. "I would've accepted either of those. I also would've accepted if you said it was by Craig Armstrong, since there's a version of it that's a collab with him on his album As If To Nothing."

"You are such a fuckin' nerd, LT," Ash told him, and he shrugged. Guilty as charged.

Shepard just shook his head, before downing his shot. He coughed a little as it went down, but his grin said that he was either enjoying the burn or taking it as a challenge. Kaidan wasn't too surprised, considering he'd seen Shepard take a shot of ryncol before. He'd keeled over, but he'd done it. The Commander didn't back down from challenges. "Yeah, he is," Shepard agreed hoarsely. "Your turn again, Alenko."

"Want me to go a little easier on you this time?" Kaidan offered.

Joker dismissed the idea with a wave. "Dude. You stumped Commander fucking Shepard. That's like, impossible. Your nerd cred is at stake if you don't do it again just to prove it wasn't a fluke."

"Doooo iiiit," Ash urged him.

But the question was directed at Shepard, whom Kaidan was looking at pointedly, and who didn't seem to realize it until a few quiet seconds had ticked by. "Huh? Oh!" Maybe Kaidan and Ash weren't the only ones who were tipsy. "Nah, Kay, do your worst."

Kaidan blinked. "Did you seriously just call me 'Kay'."

"I." Shepard, too, seemed surprised. "Maybe. Maybe I did."

" _Sir_."

"Yeah?"

"Don't do that again."

Shepard was shocked into silence by the little breach in protocol, staring at Kaidan for a moment. Then he guffawed. "Pffhah! You have the weirdest fucking berserk buttons, Alenko."

Ash and Joker both relaxed when Shepard laughed, and it was at that point that Kaidan figured out how, for a second, they had been tense because of Kaidan. Because the prospect of Kaidan being angry unnerved them. And then it had been that weird off-color charisma the Commander had that had eased that tension.

He was still seen as a bit of a freak. Even his friends were wary of him, weren't they? But not Shepard. Shepard had never looked at him as anything other than himself. Shepard had never been afraid of him.

That night - just after Therum, but before Noveria, and before everything started going to hell and falling down around their ears for real - was the first time Kaidan wondered if Shepard would allow Kaidan to kiss him. Not that the Lieutenant acted on it, but the thought was there, random and unbidden, and even a little bit tempting in his tipsy state. It was the first time he looked at Shepard's lips and saw past the unhealthy lack of color, seeing instead how full and soft they were. How Shepard's cheeks dimpled when he smiled, creases forming around his steely grey eyes.

He didn't act on any of it. He couldn't. There were regs, and Shepard was his commanding officer, and he'd probably get punched if he tried. Even when he was tipsy he could remember things like that. 

But God, did he ever want to.

 


	4. this is my despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Noveria, Liara needs a little pick-me-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> babbies!
> 
> Don't let Ted fool you, he loves his hometown.
> 
> EDIT1: Made some minor adjustments on things I got wrong the first time, as well as a few stylistic changes.

Ted Shepard leaned back in his seat, idly swishing the whiskey that remained at the bottom of his glass; Alenko's preference, not his. He liked lighter things that made your nose tickle a little, not things that burned his throat and tasted like lighter fluid, but it'd be a lie to say he hadn't had worse. Besides, he wasn't one to back down from drinking something just because it was a little strong. "What's home for you, Liara?"

"Home is wherever the dig site is, really," the young Asari said. But she hesitated, pulling her arms forward to rest her elbows on the table as she considered. "But, well... I suppose. Armali, back on Thessia. My mother and I lived near a park. I'd spend hours there, digging for relics."

She got a little smile as she spoke. Soft and sad. "My mother would get so _angry_ with me," she said. "Covered in dirt, and..."

Shepard and Alenko exchanged a look as she trailed off, but Shepard was the one who was sitting nearest to her; slowly, gently, he put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. She acknowledged the motion with a tiny smile and a nod.

"Vancouver," Alenko said, taking over for her. She seemed relieved. "Born in Singapore, but Vancouver's where I grew up back on Earth. My dad's Alliance so we kinda moved around a bit."

Liara sniffled, and nodded. "And, um. What is... 'Vancouver' like?"

Alenko grinned. "Wet. Rainy. Cold, too. It's a rare day that there's no precipitation going on in one form or another, and it's even _rarer_ that you see the sun for all the overcast. It's right on the western coast of the American continent, and it is-- _beautiful_." He absently emphasized the word with a gesture of his free hand, the other busy holding his own glass. "Absolutely spectacular view, no matter what angle you're lookin' at it from. The skyline just... Takes your breath away. It really does."

"It sounds wonderful," Liara mumbled. Her voice was tiny, but no less sincere for it. "I might add it to my list of places to visit should I ever find myself on Earth."

"Gonna be a fucking long list, then," Shepard said, smirking around the edge of his glass as he took a sip. "Vancouver's kinda low on mine."

"Where are you from, then, Shepard?" she asked, her big blue eyes watery. But she wasn't crying outright. It had been a good idea to get her talking. She needed to get her mind off of her mother, off of Noveria, off of Saren. So far, Shepard's plan to do that - which involved dragging Alenko out of his sleeper pod to help, since he seemed to be one of the more observant and sensitive people in the crew and Shepard considered himself to be neither of those things - seemed to be working.

"Nowhere interesting," he answered. She'd asked though, so... "Chicago. But, uh, not the nice bits."

"Ahh, man. This'll be good." Alenko made a great show of leaning forward to listen, smirking.

 _Ass_. Probably the whiskey making him more... _Alenko-ish_ than usual. Guh. It was fuzzing up Shepard's brain pretty well too, though. "It's not that great. I don't think she wants to hear about my city. Really."

Liara pouted. "But I do."

That pout was going to be the fucking death of him. Right up there with Tali nerding out. "Fine. Fuck, you two are so--" He struggled for a word. "-- _pokey_." Excellent word. Also probably not technically a real word at all.

"You're the one who suggested this, Commander," Alenko said. "--with, uh, all due respect, 'course."

He tried to glare at Alenko, but all Alenko did was smirk at him. "Rrrright." Well. "Chicago's nice, if you know the right parts of it. Most people, like, tourists? They only ever see the right parts. It's cold, it's got a long-ass history of mafia bullshit and gangs, and it's right on the edge of a huge goddamn lake. The southeastern edge, though, and since the lake's big enough to have its own climate, the wind blows east and takes the nasty air and crazy with it down south, around the lake's edge.

"I grew up in that southern bit, that smells like it's the city's asshole - don't giggle, Alenko - and takes the brunt of every cold front that hits Chicago proper when the lake fucks with the wind direction. It is cold as _balls_ in the winter, and snow-days where everything shuts down in favor of being sane and normal and not going outside when it's negative twenty celsius? Those don't happen."

"Sounds like Canada in that respect," Alenko said with a snort.

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but at least Canada's fairly pretty to look at and the people are friendly."

Alenko grinned. "You obviously don't go to Montreal much."

"I don't think Montreal's population has the same level of no-fucks-given as Chicago does."

"Yeah, no, you obviously don't go to Montreal much."

"So the only thing Canadians will shit-talk about is other Canadians?"

"I dunno, my dad shit-talks Turians sometimes."

Liara laughed faintly, and both humans shifted their attention to blink at her.

"What?" Shepard was a little too tipsy to remember that he was supposed to not snap at her, but she didn't seem perturbed by the sharpness of his tone.

"I was just thinking, no wonder you two didn't do badly in the cold on Noveria. You must both be used to that kind of thing."

Shepard and Alenko looked at each other, then at her, and both of them smiled.

"Sure you don't want some whiskey?" Kaidan asked her.

She took a quiet, steadying breath, and nodded. "All right. I'll try it, just this once."

Yeah. She was going to be fine.

 


	5. tragedy and fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Virmire Survivor confronts Shepard on his choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The great thing about late arrival spoilers is that it gives you time to emotionally prepare. The lousy thing is that no matter how much you try to emotionally prepare, you aren't ACTUALLY prepared.
> 
> Fucking Virmire, man.
> 
> EDIT1: Stylistic edits like the rest of it~

Back on the _Normandy_ , after the debriefing was done - Liara barely holding back her tears, Tali making those little hiccuping sobs that didn't quite translate or filter right through her suit and sounded awful, Wrex simmering with a quiet, burning anger that had everyone giving him a wide berth, and Garrus spitting curses and snarling as he described all the colorful and numerous ways that he intended to rip out Saren's spine through his throat and beat him to death with it - it was only inevitable, only _expected_ , that Kaidan would confront Shepard.

Kaidan didn't expect to get so angry, though. To be honest, the crew probably didn't either; none of them stopped him when he stormed into Shepard's cabin. No one said a word when he practically smacked his hand against the interface that'd shut the door behind him. Or maybe they just didn't want to get in his way.

Even Shepard himself only looked up blandly, when Kaidan entered the room. "LT," he acknowledged with a nod. He was so fucking calm.

That was when something in Kaidan snapped, and he grabbed Shepard by the collar of his shirt to haul the much smaller man up and slam his back into a wall. Shepard barely flinched. "Why me," Kaidan said, voice low.

The commander sighed, not meeting Kaidan's gaze. "You don't wanna know," Shepard answered tiredly. Kaidan snarled in response, and his biotics flickered.

"Bullshit I don't wanna know, my best friend's _dead_ , Shepard!" he snapped.

Ash with her rusty-sounding laugh that shook her whole body. Ash with her literature and her classical music. Who threw everything of herself into everything she did, because she had nowhere to go but up and nothing to lose by being honest. Who sparred with Wrex and arm-wrestled with Garrus. Who didn't ever quite understand Kaidan's migraines or his biotics, but always tried to be kind to him all the same even if he freaked her out sometimes.

Ash with her sisters, and her faith, and all the weight of her family's mistakes settled heavily across her shoulders. Ashley Williams, who was so very human.

Shepard's eyes flicked upward, shifting his steely gaze towards Kaidan once more; there was something tired there, in those colorless eyes, but also something cold and hard. "You won't like the answer, Alenko. Drop it before we both end up regretting this."

Kaidan laughed weakly, a little broken sound. "What do _you_ know about regretting anything? Ash was your friend too and you just left her to die, just like-- like, _God_ , like it's that _easy_ for you, like--"

"Alenko," Shepard barked, his tone a command by itself. But that meant nothing to Kaidan, not right then. "Drop it."

"I can't just drop this, Commander--"

"You don't want to hear what I have to say, I'm serious."

"Just tell me, damn it!"

"Fine!" Shepard finally snapped. A flicker of blue across his skin was the only indication - aside from his voice - that his self-control was running just as thin as Kaidan's. "You wanna know what I was thinking? Fine, I'll fucking tell you if you wanna know so badly. But first, put me the fuck down before I break your goddamn jaw."

Kaidan blinked, realized he still had Shepard's collar in his grip, and suddenly let go with a little startled jerk backwards like he'd been burnt. Shit. _Shit_. He'd just physically assaulted his commanding officer. He could get court martialed. Demoted. Discharged.

Whatever his expression betrayed, Shepard seemed to be reading it, and the Commander's own anger softened a bit. "At ease, LT."

"Sir--" Kaidan started to say, but Shepard held up a hand and shook his head.

"You've got every right to be mad at me, Alenko," he assured Kaidan. "Since when have I been the kind of commanding officer who would report you for being human?"

Kaidan ducked his head with a little nod. "...sir." He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to respond, but he was pretty sure that Shepard wasn't really supposed to respond like that. It wasn't the kind of thing a CO was just supposed to forgive. But since when had Shepard ever been a typical CO?

"The truth is..." Shepard began, but then paused. He made a little noise like what he was about to say had caught in his throat, and lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck where his amp jack was. "...The truth is. I could justify it all day to you and I'd be wrong. We've talked about balancing a squad to suit everyone's strengths and weaknesses, and you know I'd be lying if I said you were the better choice for that. Ash was the better marksman, the better combatant. Between her and Tali I could have a team where everyone's abilities were complimentary to everyone else's. You know that.

"The fact is, Kaidan, cold logic didn't factor into this at all. You're... You're just. You're my friend, alright?" Shepard sucked in a breath and dropped his gaze to stare at his unpolished boots. "And I know that probably doesn't help, okay, I just... You asked."

And Kaidan saw why Shepard had been so cold about it, then; it wasn't because he was unaffected. It was because he was holding it in. Shepard only ever held things in when he didn't know how to handle them.

Shepard wasn't used to losing people under his command, was he? People living or dying based on his decisions and actions - that wasn't something he had ever dealt with. Before, Shepard would just spit in the face of the odds and save everyone, because fuck anyone who told him he couldn't. Jenkins hadn't quite been Shepard's responsibility; it had been Anderson's call to send him, and the task of sending a message to his grieving family had been the Captain's. But not Ash. Ash had been Shepard's friend.

It didn't help all that much with Kaidan's grief, or his guilt. What it did help with though, was what Shepard had always seemed to be good at: it made Kaidan feel less alone with his feelings. Like he wasn't the only one to carry that burden.

"No, it... it does help." Kaidan drew his teeth over his lower lip, averting his eyes. "It's... Look, Shepard, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get mad at you like that. That-- that was," he took a steadying breath, "--it was uncalled for. Ash... she wouldn't want us at each other's throats."

"Heh." Shepard shook his head with a faint smile. "Bullshit. She'd be on my ass harder than you could ever bring yourself to be, Alenko. She never would've forgiven me if I'd picked her over you."

"Maybe, but if she saw us right now, she'd... she'd probably tell us to quit our bitching and focus on kicking Saren's ass, huh?"

"And Sovereign's," Shepard agreed.

Things went quiet for a minute between them, neither quite able to look the other in the eye.

"Anyway, I'm uh. Probably breaching protocol by being here, so uh..." Kaidan fidgeted. "I should go."

He started to leave, but Shepard's voice stopped him as he got to the door. "Hey, Alenko?"

Kaidan paused, turning enough to glance back at Shepard. God, the other biotic seemed so small right then, in a way Kaidan had almost never seen. Usually Shepard acted a lot bigger than he was, and gave the impression of having a lot of presence without actually having much physical size to speak of. Seeing him at that moment was a stark reminder that Shepard didn't actually reach a hundred sixty centimeters, and that he weighed about as much in a hardsuit as Kaidan did in fatigues.

It was startling to see the Commander so vulnerable. Startling, and strangely humanizing. "Yes, Commander?" Kaidan asked, keeping his voice as level as he could make it.

"...I'm glad I didn't lose you, too," Shepard said, in a small, quiet voice that sounded just a little rough. "Dismissed."

Kaidan nodded once. "Yes, sir," he said simply.

Then he left, because he had to; he didn't want to know what the consequences of potentially scooping Shepard up in his arms and holding him might be, and if he stayed, he almost surely would've found out.

 


	6. if you leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ties into the first chapter of The World Is Tumbling Down.
> 
> Playlist for the entire drabble compilation is in the end notes, because yeah, there's a playlist.

Joker knew, even as he was thrust back so hard into the side of the escape pod that he felt his fragile bones snap with the impact, that Shepard was dead. He knew, because the kinetic barrier Shepard had put around him to protect him had fizzled out.

And with an equal amount of certainty, he knew that there wasn't a goddamn thing he could do about it.

The escape shuttle knew where to go. It had a rudimentary VI installed that would take it to a preprogrammed rendezvous point, established by the _Normandy_ 's systems automatically and broadcast to any Alliance ships in range alongside the first distress signals. Joker could probably reprogram it to go somewhere else, but he was too tired and in way too much pain to do anything more than slump into a seat, wincing and gritting his teeth as his bones creaked and ground against each other with the movement.

His eyes burned with tears, and he sniffled as he tried and failed to keep from crying. Breathing hurt, and sobbing would hurt even more, he knew, but he couldn't stop himself. It was too much to take in, too much to process, too much to _handle_ and he just wanted it to be a dream. To wake up and find that he'd just rolled over wrong in his sleep and broken something that way, instead of knowing it was because of having not been strapped in when an escape shuttle was sent flying away from the battered remains of the ship, _his_ ship.

It wasn't a dream, though.

Joker bit his lip hard enough for it to hurt, shuddering as he let go of the last scraps of his pride and wept.

\---

A ship picked them up, but it was no Alliance bird; for once, everyone was thankful that they had a Krogan on board, because Wrex was able to butt heads and shout at and shoot enough idiots that the Blood Pack scavengers who had intercepted their distress call weren't inclined to argue by the time Joker finally got on board.

A few of the Vorcha and assorted younger Krogan were leering at Liara when he got there, and she had her barriers up. Garrus was talking with one particularly heavily armed Krogan who was missing an eye. Tali was hanging back with the crew, smoothing over bruised egos and soothing hurt feelings as well as she could, and Kaidan was with her, administering first aid.

Wrex was the one to haul Joker out of the escape pod and back up to his feet, giving a rough pat on the back that made him yelp. Almost immediately, Chakwas was at his side, omni-tool activated as she fretted and scanned him; he felt a sharp pain as something was injected into his arm, then cool relief as the medigel worked its way through his system. It'd be great if there were a medigel that could work on emotional bullshit, too, but sadly that didn't exist.

If it did, the _Normandy_ crew would have to bulk order it.

Kaidan's eyes landed on Joker and he perked up, standing a little straighter and craning his neck to try and see into the escape shuttle that the pilot had arrived in. Within moments he was stepping over and away from the others to head towards his fellow lieutenant, the crew's injuries forgotten.

"Where's Shepard?" he asked.

Chakwas looked up at the same time Joker did, and her expression was grim. He could tell that she knew without having to ask, and had probably known the second Joker was dragged out of that escape pod alone.

But Kaidan? Kaidan had hope. They all loved Shepard - there was no question of that - but Kaidan loved him the most, Joker was certain. Even if Shepard was too dense sometimes to see it.

Now Shepard had been spaced, and it was Joker's fault. Kaidan, who had tried to drag Joker out of the cockpit before Shepard had been forced to, would know that. He would see the tear-stains on Joker's face, see that he was alone, see that he looked like absolute shit and he would know.

The rest of the crew certainly did. They had gone absolutely silent. In that silence, Kaidan's voice rang that much louder, even though his tone was low and dangerous and threaded with a hundred different emotions that Joker couldn't begin to name. "Where is he?"

Joker didn't say anything, unable to face that unspoken threat.

"He was with you-- he was going back for _you_ , Joker, _where is he_?"

There it was, the accusation, the guilt hanging in the air for everyone to see. The whole crew would know. He could feel their eyes on him. He knew what they were thinking. He knew there was no point in hiding anymore. "He's dead," the pilot whispered, trembling slightly.

He glanced up at Kaidan and immediately regretted it; the older lieutenant's expression had gone deadly-cold, the muscles in his jaw tense. "Say again, Flight Lieutenant," Kaidan said; after he spoke, Joker imagined that one could hear a pin drop in the cargo hold of that rickety merc ship, because he couldn't hear a single person so much as breathe.

And Joker straightened, defiant in the face of that anger, because he knew he deserved anything that Kaidan would throw at him. "He's _dead_."

For a single heartbeat, nothing happened. Then Joker was hit with a blow that felt harder than any punch, any jerk back into his seat from inertia, any impact he'd ever had the displeasure of feeling. He was thrown back into the doors of the shuttle he'd just been dragged out of, a choked cry torn from his throat as it felt like half his ribs were smashed.

Blinking through the pain and the sudden tears that threatened to cloud his vision, he saw that Kaidan was fucking _glowing_.

"You son of a bitch," Kaidan snarled. "He went back for you."

 _You think I don't know that?_ Joker wanted to yell, but he couldn't. Not when it felt like his chest had been caved in by Kaidan's biotics.

And it looked like Kaidan was going to kill him. It really, honestly did. The older man's expression twisted into something awful, something really horribly difficult to look at because it made something in Joker's wrecked ribcage twist and knot painfully. All that self-control that Kaidan had spent years building, shattered.

Kaidan roared, a primal sound that was part rage, part gut-wrenching anguish; he lunged, dark energy swirling around him, and Joker flinched even as he braced himself against the inevitable--

The finishing blow never came.

"Let me go, Wrex," he heard Kaidan growl; when he looked up, the biotic's arm was held in the old Krogan's grip. Probably tight enough to hurt; Wrex was not gentle.

The scarred old Krogan's face twisted up with something that vaguely resembled disgust. "And then what'll you do? Kill 'im?"

Kaidan looked as if he might fight it, but after a few seconds his biotics flickered out of existence and he slumped in Wrex's hold. "...No."

"Damn right you won't," Wrex rumbled, letting go with a little snort and a shake of his head. Joker let out a wheezy sigh of relief, and Chakwas took it as her cue to run forward again and tend to him.

He wasn't paying attention to her, though. His eyes were on Kaidan - the one that no one was rushing to the side of. The one whose legs buckled, who caught himself so that he was sitting on the floor of the cargo hold, looking disbelieving, lost, broken. Rubbing over his face with one shaking, gloved hand, looking surprised when his fingers came away wet with tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the finished playlist with songs corresponding to each chapter's title, in case anyone's curious:
> 
> Main: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxkPH6yxOQU "Cynical World"  
> 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWlcDwg0GtA "Nervous"  
> 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MyiFjx2Qdg "Through the Gate"  
> 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcjdpboBlCc "A Bit of Happiness"  
> 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsQ5Eoc4lMM "This Is My Despair"  
> 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYirNgH4eaQ "Tragedy and Fate"  
> 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTxwSlAdr6k "If You Leave"
> 
> Have fun on a musical adventure!


End file.
